I’ve been going on a series of job interviews in the last few months. No need to report back to my current boss about my impending departure because these interviews have gone absolutely nowhere. It’s nothing like an interview panel to make you feel like your whole life has been meaningless. None of that school stuff mattered. None of the work experience counts. All the time you spent on your resume was for naught. Interviewers these days act like they’re paying you with money from their bank account. Geez Louise! Then after the interview I’m left feeling link an empty tank fifty miles from a gas station.
Honestly, a converging set of recent experiences, including these interviews that make me feel like I’m an expert at nothing, have me second guessing myself, wondering where and how I fit in. Like, what AM I an expert at exactly? (Still working through the answer to this question in my real, off-the-blog life) If I let myself look around at my peers and how much they seem to have accomplished by now, the narrative I create is that I have not done enough to get or deserve the position I think I should have. *insert cringe here*
This last week, in particular, has been one encounter after another where the world seems to tell me that I’m whack and I need to do better. I shared a little bit of this with my mom and dad who visited this weekend and if any of you know my mom, you know she spoke me right back to myself. However, she also confirmed some of the feelings I’ve had about not doing enough. She asked when I would stop fighting my destiny, which hit me like a ton of bricks. Christopher echoed her opinions when I came home complaining to him too. He pointed to a small item on our coffee table and told me it represented me. Then, he pointed to all the space on the rest of the table and told me that that’s what I could be.
And he’s right! We play it small. We play it safe. We take what’s offered instead of what we truly want. We don’t push back. We don’t insist. We’re not diligent or disciplined or consistent. We don’t ask God and when we do we don’t obey His commands. We don’t wake up early or stay up late or put down our phones or do the thing we don’t like doing to have the thing we say we want. We simply don’t go get it.
So, don’t be like me. Or actually, be like the new me (I just started being better today so play this one by ear). It’s in you and you have the capacity to access it. Go get it. #straightlikethat