Every now and then, I get my heart broken. It comes all kinds of ways. A boy won’t reciprocate my feelings. A friend will betray my trust. A family member will lie to me. God will tell me no when I really wanted it to be yes. Or He’ll tell me yes when I wanted a no. I don’t like it. When someone has the capacity to make you feel small or unimportant or overlooked, especially when you’ve made them big and significant and seen, it can be extremely hurtful. It is hurtful. It’s disappointing. It’s saddening.
Sometimes it’s the deep kind of hurt. The kind that changes you. It makes you less trusting, less kind, and more guarded. When it’s real bad, it alters your reality. Whatever you saw for yourself changes. When someone or something hurts you for whatever reason, the kind of relationship you had or the kind of life you saw for yourself shifts. And that shift is a mutha.
Several years ago, I wanted to move to another city and be with the guy I was dating at the time. I had been applying to a few jobs here and there but then stumbled upon a job I thought was perfect for me. I even knew a few people at the organization and asked them to put in a good word. Then, I prayed. Then, I fasted. I prayed and I fasted. Me. Mariah. Fasted. The word doesn’t even look right next to my name. I am not a faster. I’m not sure if I should be at this point in my faith walk, but God and I never got down like that. Anyway, I prayed and fasted and even asked my close family and friends to pray for me as well. You couldn’t tell me I wasn’t going to get that job. That I wasn’t going to move to another city. That I wasn’t going to live happily ever after with bae.
Y’all already know how that story ended right? Didn’t get the job. Didn’t get to move. Dang sure didn’t get the dude. I was hurt. I was angry. I was also hungry. Ate a sandwich.
That shift happened. All the things I saw for myself wouldn’t be the case. My life would not be changing. It would have to stay the same, at least for the time. And that new reality intensified the hurt I felt. Do you understand what I’m saying? Pain makes you have to see things differently. I had to interact with God differently. I had to do a whole lot of self- assessment and even look at myself differently. I definitely had to see my future differently.
I carried the hurt with me for a while. I didn’t want to, but I couldn’t shake it. There have been other times I’ve been deeply hurt as well. It usually involves a boy and it always involves a shift that lingers in me and weighs me down. It leaves me insecure and unsure. It leaves me too vulnerable.
So I let it go.
I let that ish go, man. I can’t be walking around feeling resentful, disappointed, angry, or wounded. I don’t want to cry when I think about what’s been lost. I don’t want to snap at other people or shy away from meeting new people. I don’t want to lose precious time not appreciating the fullness of what I have because I’m mourning the future I could not be sure I was going to have anyway. I rob myself of the right now when I don’t let the hurt go. I deprive myself of living a big, fat, juicy life.
It’s not always easy to let it go. I literally watched YouTube tutorials about how to get over an ex a few years back when I broke up with someone. (Did you just judge me? I felt that.) I was that desperate to let go of emotions that weighed me down. The only advice I have for letting go of hurt is to be proactive. Be intentional about your wellness. Forgive. For me, that typically means picking up a good daily devotional, spending time with people who know and appreciate me, staying active, and eating a good bowl of ice cream (preferably Blue Bell but I’ll settle for less if the heartbreak is real bad).
As always, I’ll leave here reminding you that I don’t have life figured out. I thought I would by now but nah. As soon as I do, I’ll make an announcement. I can’t wait. It’ll be great. So do whatever you think is best for you but I promise you’ll feel better if you work on letting go of the hurt.