Just so we’re clear, I usually do the breaking up, m’kay? Don’t be confused. Ain’t too many guys around here breaking up with me. Shoot. There may have been one or two in middle school or something but that was before my butterfly transformation so I don’t count them. I’m clearly a swan now. If somebody is going to be leaving somebody, you better believe this butterfly swan combo is doing the leaving. Most of my serious boyfriends knew what they had. Better believe it. Humph.
Annnnnd now that my ego has been taken care of, we can move on to talk about what I’ve come here to say.
Sometimes the ish just don’t work out, y’all. In fact, most times it doesn’t work out because theoretically you’ll just get married once (or no more than a handful of times . . . come on y’all). You can be head over hills in love. You can trust this man with your biggest, darkest, ugliest secrets. You can cook for him or, as is the case in my world, eat what he cooks for you and then wash the dishes for him. (I’m still working on my cooking ministry.) He can make you laugh from your toes. Y’all can have that whole thing where you’re mad at him but still want him to come sit and watch a movie with you and not talk or laugh or touch. Anybody ever had that? I dated this one guy who would get up and go to the bathroom and I’d be like “Where you going???? Why you leaving me??? Hurry back!!!” What I’m saying is that you can have crazy ridiculous compatibility and want to build a life with your boo, but then for whatever reason or for what seems to be no reason at all, it ends. Boom. Here today. Gone tomorrow. #MCM at the beginning of the week, #SSS (So Single Saturday) by the end of the week.
Most of the time, I can clearly see why things weren’t meant to be. Because truthfully, I do the breaking up but my dudes play games several months before the break up actually happens. They allow me to be the one to end things because they don’t want to hurt my feelings, but they do what needs to be done for me to finally break it off. You know what I mean? I don’t even want to think about whether that means they actually break up with me because it’ll mess up the whole butterfly/swan paradigm I have going in my head.
Anyhoo, when I think back on things I know I could’ve been married. Could’ve had a house full of kids. Probably could’ve had the sporty SUV and white picket fence too. But guess what happened? God blocked it. I mean it was either Him or me or the defense of the imaginary football team I’ve been playing against since I’ve been alive. All I know is it didn’t happen. I do believe it was God though and when I think about some of the things I once wanted so badly but didn’t work out for me, I take off running through my apartment. Glooooooray!!!!! Thank you Gawwwwwwd!!!!! You blocked it Lorrrrrrrrdt!!!! Thank ya! Thank ya! Thank ya!
Obviously, I don’t shout praises in the moment that a relationship dissolves or when a great opportunity is presented to me but doesn’t work out. In those moments, I’m riding through the streets looking for God. As soon as I see him, we gotta go in a private room and have a serious conversation. He plays entirely too much.
What I come to realize a few months later is that God wasn’t playing. I don’t think He messes with my life for sport. There’s a reason that guy broke up with me. (The reason is never because his baby mamma looks better than me. Poor girl never looks better than anybody. . . I’m obviously still working on being petty as well) There’s a reason I didn’t get the job or the house. There’s a reason I couldn’t move across country or sing in the choir. There is a reason I couldn’t do or have or get the thing I wanted and prayed to have. It was not for me. To be clear, there are a couple of things that have happened in my life that I’m not clear on yet. I don’t know why it had to happen the way it happened. Today in church we sung that song “We’ll Understand It Better By and By”. Y’all know that song? Google it. Well I was singing it today thinking ohhhhh so what happens is that I don’t understand why my life was in shambles that one time but eventually I will…. Hmmm….sounds fishy…..but ok, God.
Now it only goes to reason that there’s something better in store for me if the things I wanted didn’t work. Right? I mean for the most part. Maybe not for every silly little thing I wanted but didn’t get. But just generally, my life should get more and more lit as the years go by. Bruh, if there’s nothing better I’m really going to have to pull God aside and have that convo. There is something better though. And if it’s better than some of the things I’ve had before, it’s going to be so dang awesome. I’ve been spared. I could’ve married a fool. I could’ve been a divorcee. I could’ve been sitting at a job I hate in a city I hate eating food that doesn’t have flavor because I cooked it (I’m working on it, y’all). I even could’ve been dead. But no, I’m here. I think that’s amazing. It really is. I cannot wait to see what God has in store for me and for y’all too. Many of my friends are glowing all the way up right now, and it’s just wonderful. He spared us, y’all. Glorrrrrrrray!!!