When It Hurts So Bad

Heartbreak hotel, shawty! Ohhh wee, you know when someone does something so hurtful that you literally can’t talk for a few minutes? That kind Lauryn Hill sings about.

Gave up my power. I existed for you. But who ever knew the voodoo you do.

I was talking to one of my best friends recently about being hurt by a guy. We concluded that in any relationship, romantic or otherwise, there are some breaches of trust that are so down right disrespectful and hurtful that they can change a relationship forever. There is no coming back from it. There might be a chance at moving forward, but no going back. And it changes you. It triggers something in you, turns on some switch you never knew was there and changes your perspective forever. Forever! (Like, a lifetime. Not exactly forever. But you get me.)

I’ve been on both the giving and receiving end of this sort of hurt. Not cool either way. You feel like crap on both sides.

Let me set the scene for one of my biggest heartbreaks. Picture this: It’s May 2007. The sun is shining, birds singing, and flowers blooming. I was a junior in college. At the time, I was dating a guy who wasn’t exactly my boyfriend . . .  but he was though. Ya’ll know what I mean. Silly girl, I was. One of my line sisters called me at work and told me that another one of our line sisters told her that my “boyfriend” had a baby on the way.

“Oh no, girl, you know good and full well that I’m not pregnant. Say what? A baby by someone else? Hold on, let me pick my face up off the floor. Ok, I’m back. Who? Girl, you are lying to me right now. Let me call you back.”

So then I call the other line sister and ask her about it. She tells me how she came about this information.

“Oh ok, girl. Thanks. Let me call you back.”

I text this “boyfriend” and ask him about it. He doesn’t text back but shows up at my job.

“Oh, so you need to talk in person huh? Wow. You created a life, and it’s certainly not growing in my belly. Please leave. I can’t right now.”

These are the types of incidences that can potentially kill even the most solid relationship. Do you know I remember how my hair was cut? I remember what he had on. I remember how I felt. I can picture where I parked that day. I remember every detail, and I’ll likely never forget because it was that “stand out hurt” ….. the kind of hurt that stands out in your life. Ohhhhhh when it hurts to bad.

And it’s not just the fellas. Oh no, your best girlfriends can be just as ratchet. Picture this: It’s the summer of 2005. I had just pledged . . . wore paraphernalia EVERY SINGLE DAY. (You know how we do. Red jackets, red shoes, red socks, red shades, red pony tail holder, red toothbrush).  A line sister, Crimson, who had been my best friend before we pledged chose to tell another line sister, Cream, about a time I dated a guy who had also been dating another girl, Pink. So Cream tells Pink about it, and Pink calls me. I spoke to Pink and cleared some of the confusion because she was actually not in the picture at the time I was dating this guy. I was happy to speak to her. Now Crimson, on the other hand . . . baby quickly moved to my hit list. Did she forget that we had been friends for years? Did she not recall that I had had her back through all of her tomfoolery and took up for her whether she was right or wrong? Clearly she had forgotten! Now we’re greek and you want to chit chat with other line sisters about my stuff? AND, you get the story wrong? Chile please. Um, excuse me while I look for my box cutter. I’m about to cut this chick. Ohhhhh when it hurts to so bad.

You do things to betray trust and you risk the relationship. If you’re willing to risk the relationship, you don’t care enough for it. If you don’t care enough, guess who else doesn’t? Me!!

But here’s something I know for sure: hurt doesn’t last. It just doesn’t. It’s like a cold; you can’t cure it, but it eventually goes away. You just treat the symptoms. At least this is what happens when you have a good immune system. Some of you with immunodeficiencies (such as bitterness or a tendency to hold grudges) might be sick for a very, very long time. I personally believe that the Lord will avenge all of my grievances, so I don’t feel the need to actually cut people. Like seriously, in real life I don’t fight. I also typically don’t act a fool, especially not in public. I might marry a senator one day. We don’t need these bones in our closet! 🙂 I desire to be happy. How can I be happy when I’m hurt a year after the fact? I let it go and forgive, but I’d be a silly girl to forget. It’s like Maya Angelou (and my mamma) says, “when a person shows you who they are, believe them.”

The fact is people will fail you. They’ll hurt you. It’s called being human. And you might find yourself eating ice cream and listening to Boyz II Men contemplating a move to Antarctica where it’s too cold to feel pain. Man, and it hurts in some places you’ve never felt before. It actually aches. Yeah, and your chest feels heavy. You don’t care about the laundry or your cute new fingernail polish or happy hour with your girlfriends. You’d rather feel nothing than this, would rather feel angry than this, would actually rather be in Antarctica than this. But it fades! It goes away! After a while, you can be good friends like the old “boyfriend” and I. (Honestly, I did a few things to that fella too.)

When it hurts so bad . . . it doesn’t after a while 🙂

I'm Mariah. Jesus is my homie. I live in (and was raised in) the south. I am, as often as possible, actively grateful for my family because I understand their life giving power. Really dislike melodramatics. Really love reading and writing so much so that I aspire to be an author. What else?

6 comments on “When It Hurts So Bad

  1. G money

    That guy wasn’t all bad.

  2. Love it …. I don’t know if President Bush go to Walmart but I know Rock does or better yet Mrs. Rock does!!! Promote your blog more on twitter that’s how i get a lot of people to check mine out!!!!

  3. This is great too, Mariah!

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